God doesn’t owe me anything.

Only a few months into 2017 and somehow I’ve been on a three month fast track of growing up and getting over myself. The beginning of 2017 was a tumultuous one for me as I found myself questioning God about every area of my life. Questioning Him came as a result of allowing myself to doubt Him, to be disappointed in Him because I wasn’t seeing what I expected to see. When in reality, the only one I should have been disappointed in was myself, I should have been questioning myself about why I ever allowed the seed of doubt to grow within my heart and mind.

Let me speak more clearly and in less riddles here. I turned twenty nine at the beginning of this year and I expected more to be in place by now. Life. Society. Friends. Family. People. They all make you believe that you’re meant to have certain things at certain ages and that if you don’t have what people expect you to have, well then you’re not successful, or somethings wrong with you or you’re doing something wrong.

There were so many things I’d prayed for that I knew God confirmed over and over again that He would do and He would take care of but I had not yet seen it happen. I had placed deadlines on those prayers and when the deadlines came and went and I still had not seen the answer, I became disappointed. God never gave a time frame, I created one and then I got disappointed and confused because He hadn’t stuck to my timeline.

Things never went my way or the way I expected them to go and instead of looking at where I could have possibly gotten it wrong, I immediately went into pity party mode. ‘Poor me, God isn’t answering my prayers. Yes He takes care of me daily and I can’t fully grasp just how I’m managing to pay for a Master’s degree even though I do not work full time and I don’t seem to ever lack anything that I need. But still poor me because the things I want and the things I’ve prayed for and waited so long for are still not happening.’

As I type this, I can’t believe the childishness of that pity party….which lasted weeks guys, weeks! I was the nagging child in the shop, who then throws a tantrum in the aisle because their Dad is not buying them the toy they’ve been asking for, for months.

I am not proud of how long it took me to snap out of my pity party but so grateful that I eventually did! God sent so many amazing people to encourage me, to remind me of His goodness and also to tell me to get over myself! The final wake up call came while watching a recent periscope video done by Adara Butler, she’s an American preacher whose Instagram ministry is insanely good and you should definitely check it out (@adarraaa). Anyway, Adara did a scope on “Waiting” (its on YouTube if you’re interested). There was something she said that jumped out the screen and hit me up side the head…figuratively of course ;). She spoke along the lines of the following: God didn’t owe us Salvation but He chose to give it to us and if that’s the only thing He wanted to give, we should learn to be grateful for that because it’s a priceless gift that we never deserved. He doesn’t owe us money, a partner, a family, a career, success, cars or anything at all. He chooses to give us those things but he does not have to give it to us. We should be content to do His will regardless of what we may or may not get given out of it.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God. – Ephesians 2:8

That struck me so hard. Here I was complaining about God not giving me what I wanted ,when I wanted to get it, when in reality, He doesn’t have to give me anything at all. Jesus was and is the greatest gift I could ever have gotten. But God is ‘a good, good Father’ so even though He doesn’t have to give any thing more, He still chooses to. The love of God for His children just doesn’t make sense. Its so big, its so illogical, its so perfect.

So remember the analogy about me being the child throwing the tantrum in the store over the toy? Well how many times do children throw tantrums usually about things they have asked their parents for repeatedly. Things they might need or some things they just really want. They throw tantrums or get into bad moods when they think that their parents are not going to buy it for them. It sounds so ungrateful, so selfish. But it’s exactly what we do. It’s what I did. But in nearly every case, that child eventually gets what they asked for, sometimes the parent already bought it and was waiting for their birthday or for Christmas to give it as a gift or in other cases parents were waiting to see how well the child would continue to behave without the expectation of getting something ‘if they were good’. So it was usually when the child stopped expecting the gift, that’s when they’d get it. When the right moment came, they’d get what they asked for.

At the right time, I, the LORD, will make it happen.- Isaiah 60:22

That simple analogy of a child acting like a spoilt brat, is a depiction of me. Probably a depiction of most of us I guess. God sacrificed His son for us and continues to provide for us and protect us daily but we walk around each day moaning about what we don’t have, ignoring all that we do have.

I finally realized God doesn’t owe me anything and in that, I’ve learnt to appreciate Him so much more for choosing to still give endlessly. At the same time, I’ve learnt to stop trying to fit God’s answers into my timeline and allow myself to move with His timeline, He is the author of time after all so I think He’d know better than I do 😉 Ultimately, I am reminded to trust in God, in His word, in His promises to me and most of all, in His timing.

For God is not man that He should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it? – Numbers 23:19

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